A little over two years ago, I set out to contribute to the way we make meaning as human beings. I wanted to do this through the lens of how we connect with others and how those connections contribute to our sense of meaning in this human experience. Here's what I've learned so far:
- People who view themselves as the actors, directors, and screenplay writers of their own lives are the happiest. This means that they have a deep sense of their own agency and their ability to move themselves through a particular set of circumstances.
- Similarly, people who actively participate in their relationships and who conscientiously contribute to their connections over time are the most likely to feel at peace with how they relate with others. These people have a variety of connection methods at their disposal and - purposefully or not - pick a few of them per week to deploy. These can be in-person meetings, social outings, or phone calls.
- People who only use text-based methods of communication are the least likely to feel deeply connected with others. People who only text are more likely to feel lonely, full stop. Keep this up at your peril.
- There is not a huge correlation between how many points of social contact people have per week and how nourished people feel in their relationships. What seems to matter more is the depth of those connections. One hour-long phone call with a close friend over the course of a weekend seems to contribute more to a sense of overall well-being than shallow text threads with 25 friends.
- There is also little correlation between how many actions people take to connect and whether or not they feel successful when it comes to connecting with others. Some people undertake quite a few actions to connect with family, friends, and loved ones, yet still don't feel they're doing enough. This inspired me to create a Connection Level Quiz, so that those people who are already doing all the things can start feeling into their success in this area of life.
- Very few people under 40 feel confident they're succeeding at their connections with others. There seems to be a bit of hedonic treadmill at play, where there is a sense we just need to do more than we can possibly fit in a day. For people in this age bracket, there's a sense of loneliness and disconnection, paired with a feeling that we don't quite know what to do about it. So we stuff it down and focus on something more concrete and actionable, like our careers. This means that among your friend group, adding just a little more intentionality to your connections can make a huge difference, and start a network effect of kindness and connection.
- As a society, we tend to believe technology and progress will do something to address a growing sense of disconnection in some far-off as-yet-unseen future. In all of my conversations across generations, I have come to believe the answer to the loneliness epidemic is behind us, not in front of us. Older generations know how to show up for the important moments in life. Moreover, they are more likely to seek to create and emphasize important moments through ceremony. A hand-written thank you card, for example, is a way to honor the moment and extend the connection. Successful millennials and younger are finding ways to create and re-create small but deeply connected communities in the digital era.
- Talking with strangers is a great way to both get low-stakes practice at connection skills and to immediately boost our well-being in the short term. Talking with a stranger reminds us we aren't the center of the universe, which, counterintuitively, adds to our happiness. Even better, we can try out complimenting a stranger and making them smile -> immediate boost to us and them.
- Giving back doesn't require leaving the house. Giving back can include thinking of someone who could use a pick-me-up and giving them a call to see if they are open to a chat. This act of calling them will make you feel good before it will make them feel good. More of us need to get comfortable with this selfish benevolence.
- The world is full of angels among us, many of whom were not born as bright sunshine people. The try-harders, the formerly quiet kids, the ones who used to be emotionally distant, and the ones who aren't afraid of feeling a little awkward are the real superheroes of social connection.
Which one of these surprises you the most?
