July 23, 2024
Listen to our new podcast episode with Laura Jane on the Laura Jane Layton Show!
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In this latest podcast episode, our founder had the chance to sit with host Laura Jane to discuss how kindness can be cultivated as a superpower in everyday life.
Join us as we talk about:
Tune in to explore how kindness can transform your life, gain practical tips on maintaining well-being, and understand the power of positive connections in your daily life.
Links to Episode:
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"Note: This transcript has been provided to improve accessibility for the hearing impaired. It has been edited for clarity and readability."
Laura Jane [00:00:23]:
Hello, listener. It is your host, Laura Jane. And I have a new best friend with me today. Emily is here with us, and she and I have been chatting a little bit, talking about what we thought might benefit you the most today, and we kind of settled on kindness. And did you know that kindness can be a superpower and the things that you can accomplish? What is that saying? You can attract more flies? No, just kidding, mark. More honey or more bees? What is it? Is it bees? You can attract more bees with honey. So what can we attract? What can we bring in? I know it's not selfish, but if we can fill our own cup, we have more to share. We have that never ending thing, and why not share kindness? So, Emily, welcome to the show.
Laura Jane [00:01:22]:
We are so excited to have you. The information about you is in the show notes. So our friend can just go right down there, find anything that you supplied for us. But let's jump in and let's talk about our new superpower, kindness. You know, as a kid, you're always told, what superpower would you want? I decided kindness today. What about you?
Emily Montgomery [00:01:48]:
I'm choosing kindness today, too. And so we can talk about it as a skill. That can be developed. And that's why I love the framing of a superpower so much, is that it's something born inherent in us, and also it's something that we can work on over time and develop it and cultivate it, and it's so great.
Laura Jane [00:02:12]:
How would we cultivate kindness? Because we don't have to plant the seed, right? It's already there. How do I make it grow? How do I make it shine? And when I talk about kindness, it's even to ourselves. Could you imagine being as kind to yourself as you already, your best friend, you would never be depressed again in your life.
Emily Montgomery [00:02:37]:
Yeah, I think, we can definitely cultivate it. And it goes back to what you water grows, right? And if you can sort of slowly, over time, get yourself to focus on it as a practice, that you can focus on it and develop it for yourself and for other people, you can definitely grow that kindness, and then that actually makes you feel better, more well connected, kinder, friendlier, and you start bringing more of that into your life.
Laura Jane [00:03:15]:
You know? Can kindness attract the wrong kind of things we want in our life?
Emily Montgomery [00:03:24]:
Yeah, absolutely. That can be a little tricky. Of course. They're being too kind. There's being kind to the wrong people.
There's being so kind that you become a pushover and you get taken advantage of. There's all sorts of different ways it can go wrong.
Laura Jane [00:03:50]:
But if you take and frame it off I am going to be kind to me first and then let that just shine over to everybody else. Kind of set your boundary where those people that would drain your kindness wouldn't get past. So how could we cultivate it and share it and never get depleted? That'd be like a garden. It would just keep giving and giving because we're watering it.
Emily Montgomery [00:04:22]:
Yeah. Well, you're tapping into sources that are beyond just yourself. And you're being kind to yourself, just like you're saying. And that replenishes and becomes something that can water a lot of gardens. Right?
Laura Jane [00:04:41]:
Ooh, I like that. I can water lots of gardens. Keep everybody flourishing in kindness.
Emily Montgomery [00:04:48]:
You get to enjoy their garden.
Laura Jane [00:04:52]:
What is the definition of kindness? I have never looked it up. What would you say is the definition?
Emily Montgomery [00:05:00]:
I can't quote the dictionary definition for you, unfortunately. But I would say that kindness is an action. Kindness is a way that we can bring the best parts of ourselves forward.
Laura Jane [00:05:21]:
I like that. I just looked it up.
Emily Montgomery [00:05:24]:
What's it say?
Laura Jane [00:05:26]:
The quality of being friendly, generous, considerate, and thanked for their kindness and support. So generous. Giving them what they need, considerate, thinking about their needs, and then just sharing those things. So how could I do that to me? So if I need to fill my cup, I need to be kind to me.
So how do I be generous and considerate to yourself?
Emily Montgomery [00:06:04]:
I think for me, a lot of it has been about forgiving myself and also reframing some of the ways that I would speak about myself. So if I'm saying that I'm engaging in a negative behavior, let's say I didn't get out of bed for a day, I could criticize myself for that, or I could sort of almost see different parts of myself in that moment and say, you know what? There must be a part of myself that was protecting me or looking out for me. I must have been running around like crazy. I must have been giving out too much. I must have needed a day in bed. And just by reframing that, I'm removing the criticism of myself and I'm finding a way to be kind to myself. And then that little part of me that's trying to protect me and wants to stay in bed maybe can relax a little bit because I've thanked them. I've honored their service to me and I've said I've got this. I'm going to get out of bed.
Laura Jane [00:07:19]:
I think that is a perfect analogy of how to be kind to yourself, allowing yourself the space, the time and energy to do what's going to keep you on that path. And so, on that day when you need rest, how many times have you gone to the office on Monday and go, oh, what did you do on the weekend? And go, I was just lazy? No, lazy is not the word. You were rejuvenating. You took some time to fill your cup, and that is, that reframing you were talking about is, it's not bad, it's good. It's kind of like Stephen Covey sharpening your saw thing. We can go, You're not going to get it very far until you take that time off. Sharpen the saw so that it does its job when it's moving again.
And that's kindness and that's generosity. Giving yourself the sharpest tool that you can have.
Emily Montgomery [00:08:29]:
You know, I've been in those office conversations about what I've done for the weekend. I've also found that they go better when you reframe it in a positive manner to another person. Even if you internally are still feeling that critical part, you can sort of work on that by framing it positively with another person. So if you say,I had this wonderful, relaxing weekend, it was so nourishing. I just really enjoyed it. The other person will say, oh, great. And they move on with their day, and you have kind of expended less energy on that interaction, it doesn't start draining you. Whereas when you have that conversation and you say, oh, I was so lazy, then the other person kind of feels like they have to almost compensate for that, right? they apologize, they do something, they're like, oh well, and maybe they feel bad because they had a great weekend, right? So I always think about that.
Emily Montgomery [00:09:33]:
And in some ways, if you can fake it till you make it, then you can create that space for yourself so that you can really rejuvenate in the way that you need to.
Laura Jane [00:09:48]:
Yeah. I do really think the power of our words is so important. If we say lazy, automatically our body goes negative. You know, we've been raised that you don't be lazy, you work hard, and then you're successful. And so when we use those words, we treat other people how to talk to us. And I don't want someone to go, oh, were you lazy again this weekend? Because then all of a sudden, I'd feel judged.
Emily Montgomery [00:10:23]:
Right.
Laura Jane [00:10:24]:
And I'm the one that started it.
Emily Montgomery [00:10:26]:
Right. It's almost like you're making sort of a groove in the person's, like, indent of you. It's like you can't sort of get over that speed hump because it's reflected. It's coming back to you all the time.
Laura Jane [00:10:43]:
What other ways can we be kind to ourself? Because I honestly think when you're kind to yourself, it's so much easier to be kind to other people.
Emily Montgomery [00:10:52]:
Well, there's all different sorts of buckets we could talk about. There's the physical bucket, emotional bucket, intellectual bucket, social emotional wellness. They all have different practices and rituals that we can undertake to feel better.
Laura Jane [00:11:16]:
I love this. Let's talk about one from each of them.
Laura Jane [00:11:22]:
How about that?
Emily Montgomery [00:11:23]:
Let's do it. Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:11:24]:
So let's take a quick break, and let's get a quick word from our sponsor. Come back and let's talk about the physical bucket. We'll be right back. All right, Emily, we got four buckets here. And I hurried and wrote it down. We have physical, social, intellectual, and emotional. Not in the same order you put them.
Emily Montgomery [00:12:00]:
But let me.
Laura Jane [00:12:03]:
You're the one that said it.
Emily Montgomery [00:12:05]:
I know. Well, I want to be in the right order here.
Laura Jane [00:12:08]:
Oh, I just. Yeah, I think you said physical. Emotional, social, and intellectual. I think that was the order you did it.
Emily Montgomery [00:12:16]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:12:17]:
So let's talk about physical. How can I be kind to myself physically? I would say, how does that help somebody else?
Emily Montgomery [00:12:31]:
I've got a good answer for this. I think moving your body every day in some way. Moving your energy is so important to stay grounded and feel. Feel like you're getting recharged.
And in that way, you can bring your best self to other people. I don't know that filling your physical bucket helps somebody else physically. Although I guess you could go for a walk with a friend. Right. And you could probably check off a number of these buckets by doing that.
Laura Jane [00:13:12]:
Something to help our physical body. So movement. And can I have a peaceful, relaxing weekend and move?
Emily Montgomery [00:13:26]:
I think so. You can go on a stroll. It doesn't have to be a breakneck pace up a mountain. It can be a stroll, or maybe you enjoy some nature and get some sunlight in your eyes. There's so much research coming out now about how that's medicine to our bodies and our souls. Right?
Laura Jane [00:13:55]:
Yeah. I do think that as we maintain our strength and our energy, that we can help others because we have the strength to do it. So in my short period of time where I couldn't walk 10ft, I couldn't help anybody. I was useless even on an emotional level because I drained myself emotionally because I was so frustrated. So as you gain that help or maintain that help, you can help others. So this is a way to be kind to yourself and others at the same time is creating your own strength. So I love that.
Emily Montgomery [00:14:41]:
And there's also the longevity aspect to it, too. So that you can be around for your kids and your grandkids and be an active participant in their lives for as long as possible.
Laura Jane [00:14:54]:
Yes. How about emotional? What can I do to be emotionally kind to myself?
Emily Montgomery [00:15:04]:
I think I would check in with what you need in that moment, and I think that could look really different depending on the moment and depending on the person. Do you need to say no to someone? Have you given too much? Or do you need to say yes? Are you isolating? Are you not feeling connected? Do you need to schedule a phone call with a friend? Not just somebody who kind of knows you on the surface, maybe at work, but somebody that's known you for a long time. There's a lot of research about how people that communicated with a friend, had a meaningful conversation over a course of a weekend, felt better, more socially connected, more well and whole. And the same kind of people that were texting over the course of the weekend with that same kind of friend didn't have that lift in those feelings of well being. So I think it's so important for us to reach out, use our voice, and actively connect with others. Even if you're in an office, you're surrounded by people all day. You may start wondering, why is it I'm around all these people, but I'm still feeling a little lonely? What's that about?
Laura Jane [00:16:30]:
You know, good point. Because you can feel alone. So to help, our own personal emotion would be set those boundaries because you kind of said, say no if you have to, go, do this if you have to. And that kind of sounds like, if I'm low on energy and I need to say no, it's okay if I'm low in energy and being there would help lift me and say yes, but it's being true. To you and your ways, I'm going to say it different than somebody else because I have different needs. And if somebody says no, I need to take it as it's their boundary and I'm okay with that. And so allow people to have that I think is really critical. So by knowing how to set my boundaries, I'm true to myself.
Laura Jane [00:17:26]:
And then when I know how to respect my boundaries, I better respect somebody else's. Right? So now I'm emotionally supporting another person because I've learned that it's okay to have a boundary.
Emily Montgomery [00:17:40]:
And I think if you have really good boundaries and your friend knows that they feel safer to have their boundaries, they know they almost have a permission slip from you, right. That you being good with your boundaries gives them permission to be good with theirs. And that's so important.
Laura Jane [00:18:00]:
You know, I want someone to go hang out with me because they want to. I would much rather somebody tell me no than to go and not have fun. So for me, it's like, be you. And I think as we learn to do that to ourselves, it's so much easier to do it for other people or just for other people in that same process. So we've talked about physical and emotional. How can we drain, how can we not drain ourselves? How can we fill our own cup and still help other people? So social, we kind of, you know, emotional, kind of hit that social side, too. So what can we do socially?
Emily Montgomery [00:18:42]:
I think seeing each other in person is so important in the post pandemic world, taking that extra step. I think to be kind, particularly verbally kind to people, there's so many opportunities, I think that we have where we think something good about somebody, we have a compliment. We're like, oh, that person they really inspired me. But then we have all these things that sort of stand in our way, and we don't always articulate that. But the research shows that when we're able to articulate that, when we send them a voice memo and say, like, you really knocked it out of the park, that really juiced me up, that nourishes us. We feel better when we give that compliment and they feel great, too.
Emily Montgomery [00:19:34]:
And so then that starts coming back in your direction. Right. So that's another way to frame the social bucket.
Laura Jane [00:19:45]:
So being around people that get you is going to feed your bucket and theirs at the same time because you get each other and there's a synergy. That's when one plus one equals four. When the two parts are greater than the two separate parts.
Emily Montgomery [00:20:07]:
For sure.
Laura Jane [00:20:09]:
All right. The next one was intellectual.
Emily Montgomery [00:20:15]:
Intellectual. So, something that I've been trying to be better at is reading real books, like physical, real books, instead of getting more on my screen, because I think a lot of our feelings of isolation and disconnectedness are related to that passive consumption of media. Real books, and I think there's some magic to feeling the paper and just being in a slower world, without the distractions.
Intellectually, I think that's how I'm feeding myself, really. Any pursuit. Any feeding of passion that you have an extracurricular, whether it's canoeing or horseback riding or learning something new. Is there a musical instrument? Have you learned anything like that in a while? I think it keeps us young, keeps us active and vital, and gives us a passion that lights other people up when we're excited about something.
Laura Jane [00:21:24]:
I like what you're saying, because in my brain, when I think intellectual, it means I need to go learn reading, writing, and arithmetic, those things you do at school.
Emily Montgomery [00:21:35]:
A little dry.
Laura Jane [00:21:36]:
Yeah. And it's like, but there's podcasts that can inspire. There's conferences that can inspire. There's books that can inspire. There's things that can help you put words to what you already feel. And all of a sudden, now that you have those words, it's easier to share those feelings. And so, intellectually, it can be so many things. And I remember podcasts and books is what I used to listen to on my commute to and from work.
And when you'd get that little tidbit of, oh, I like this, I was, like, running into my boss's office, and I learned, you know, because we just had that same passion for those same types of learning things, and we'd sit and discuss them for a little bit, and then it's like, I gotta read that book. No, I'll just keep telling you about it. You read something else and tell me about it, we'll get twice as much. And so I think you can really feed off people that you're like or similar or new friends with the intellectual, because you can gain knowledge and share knowledge. My interpretation or how I live that knowledge.
Emily Montgomery [00:22:53]:
Right. That's your passion coming through, right. The way it lights you up, it sounds like such a sweet connection with that boss that you had.
Laura Jane [00:23:03]:
I know when I retired, we're still friends, so we still get to do things, and we still have my friends call it Jane time. I call it my friend time. What do you call it? And it's like, we need our personal time, and we have a group of friends that there's a bunch of us, but you still need that one on one. And that true, solid connection which hits all four of these buckets.
Emily Montgomery [00:23:30]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:23:31]:
When you're sitting one on one with Emily and I and you sitting together could be three people. Right? You're hitting that physical because you're engaged, you're alert, you're involved. That physical feed is there. You might not be exercising, but you're moving, you're talking. You're in a groove, you know?
Emily Montgomery [00:23:53]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:23:54]:
It hits your emotions. Oh, man. This is the best free emotion. That one on one time is just really. When you're with somebody who gets you and just loves you just the way.
Emily Montgomery [00:24:07]:
You are, there's nothing else like it.
Laura Jane [00:24:09]:
Nothing else in the world that is worth the same kind of thing. So, social. That's all this is social and intellectual. That's what you share. I think this and it's like that balloon. You blow it up with all this new knowledge.
It's never the same. It's always now. New never goes back to the same old balloon out of the package. That's what we do every time we engage with a conversation with somebody or read a book. We're different. You're not the same person today as you were yesterday. Got a whole nother 24 hours worth of experience. You're different.
You're a new you. Doesn't wait once a year.
Emily Montgomery [00:24:55]:
Well, we're new biologically, too. Every seven years, I think all of our cells have kind of turned over.
Laura Jane [00:25:03]:
Yeah. And that's a complete new you.
Emily Montgomery [00:25:06]:
Yeah. You're totally free.
Laura Jane [00:25:10]:
I like that. How fun.
So how else can we use all of these buckets and being kind? Work on it? Kind is my superpower. How will I, tomorrow, show up different? And I'm thinking words. You know, one of the challenges I have out there is switching the word “why” to “how” or “what”. So instead of, like, why would you think of that? That kind of sounds like demeaning, right? Or why would I want to do that?
Emily Montgomery [00:25:54]:
A little accusatory.
Laura Jane [00:25:56]:
Yeah. Or why not? Say, “how did we come to that idea?” That's inquisitive. That's asking for more. Not like, you're an idiot. And so just switching that one word instead of asking, why are you early? Why are you late? Like, oh, it's okay.
Emily Montgomery [00:26:17]:
And if you ask, well, if you ask how someone is early, you might actually get an interesting story.
Laura Jane [00:26:24]:
You find more, right?
Emily Montgomery [00:26:25]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:26:26]:
It's like, how did you get here so early? That's amazing. And all of a sudden, there's dialogue. Not this, oh, I'm being attacked.
Emily Montgomery [00:26:37]:
The shutdown.
Laura Jane [00:26:38]:
And so sometimes just the way we communicate is the same thing. It's kind of like the lazy versus resting or rejuvenating. Different feelings. It's the same process. So pick your words. Use your words.
Emily Montgomery [00:26:56]:
That's so important. And get your voice in there, too. I would say anything that you can actually physically say to yourself, whether that's a verbal affirmation or something, that you're saying a piece of kindness that you're saying to somebody else. It's so important for our whole biochemistry to actually hear the warmth and sincerity of somebody's voice, including for ourselves.
Laura Jane [00:27:28]:
And if we talk to ourselves, mean we kind of talk to other people that way. I practice and practice saying kindness to myself, giving myself the grace to not be perfect. Giving myself the. I should say not be perfect is still even wrong. Giving myself grace to continue to learn and grow. That is perfect. Right now, you're learning and growing. Who cares if you're the college professor or the kindergartner? You're on the path and you're moving forward.
So learning to reframe your words, bill them right then. Like I just did.
Emily Montgomery [00:28:11]:
You caught yourself.
Laura Jane [00:28:13]:
Yes. It's like, that didn't sound right. How can I be more kind with those words and do it.
And be okay with doing it in front of someone like I was earlier today, I was saying, oh, I have to go do this. And I went, wait, “I'm choosing to do this.”
Emily Montgomery [00:28:31]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:28:31]:
Like, you and I rescheduled this interview because I got to choose another thing that I needed to do.
Emily Montgomery [00:28:38]:
Yeah. And as a result, I got to have this conversation with you earlier.
Laura Jane [00:28:42]:
I know it was a gift side.
Emily Montgomery [00:28:44]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:28:45]:
But it's learning to just do that little switch and It could be tough because it's constant monitoring of the words that are coming out of your mouth or are circling in your head, but when we find them and we think instead of saying sorry, because all of my life, every time I ever had to say that word, I didn't feel sorry. I was just being told to say that so I could play again and be let out the door. And so it didn't become truthful to me. And so if I can say, thank you for waiting or thank you for bringing that to my attention, you know, how much more pleasant would a customer service person be that said, oh, I'm sorry that happened. Let's fix it , versus, thank you for bringing that to our attention.
We can fix that. Fill it.
Emily Montgomery [00:29:42]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:29:43]:
All of a sudden you're like, I'm sorry we did something wrong to, wow, thank you for letting us know. Both of them had a week and fix it, but it come from a whole different feeling. So as you feel those words come out of your mouth, kind of switch.
Emily Montgomery [00:30:05]:
You have to sort of find a way to observe your behavior over time and watch yourself speaking just like you just did. And you displayed that in such a beautiful way of kind of catching what you said real time and saying, you know what? I'm going to take that back and say it a different way.
Laura Jane [00:30:29]:
Give yourself the grace to do that. It may not come naturally until you've done it in your head a bunch of times.
Emily Montgomery [00:30:39]:
Right.
Laura Jane [00:30:40]:
It's okay.
Emily Montgomery [00:30:41]:
Yeah. And you'll just get better and better over time.
Laura Jane [00:30:45]:
And that's the part of being in kindness, it's okay.
Emily Montgomery [00:30:51]:
Yeah. To be kind to yourself and to be kind to others. It's a superpower. It really is.
Laura Jane [00:30:59]:
I'm gonna have to make superpower kindness tapes. We'll get some kind of cool “K” and we'll get it out there and it will be our kind of superpower.
Emily Montgomery [00:31:10]:
Sounds wonderful.
Laura Jane [00:31:11]:
I'll wear that all day around in my kindness game. Okay. Gotta put that on my list. Kindness cape. I think the other one that I came up with in another interview was, what would the dog do? What would my dog do?
Emily Montgomery [00:31:35]:
That might result in licking people's faces, though.
Laura Jane [00:31:38]:
And when you look at it, it's like, what would my dog do? My dog is the most unconditional animal in the, like, I've never kicked it, but I'm pretty sure if I did, he would be okay.
Emily Montgomery [00:31:56]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:31:56]:
You know, it's like they are so forgiving and so loving and they're right there at the door greeting you and they're just like, so happy to see you, so always to show up like, my dog.
Emily Montgomery [00:32:11]:
Yeah. I just accidentally fell over my dog today. She sort of walked diagonally in front of me, but she forgave me. I mean, the result was I sort of stepped on her paw. So she forgave me.
Laura Jane [00:32:26]:
Aw, what a sweetheart.
Emily Montgomery [00:32:28]:
Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:32:28]:
And you're okay?
Emily Montgomery [00:32:30]:
I'm okay, yeah.
Laura Jane [00:32:31]:
Good.
Emily Montgomery [00:32:32]:
It's no big deal. Yeah.
Laura Jane [00:32:34]:
That's beautiful. So, Emily, what would be your last words of wisdom? Or how could our friend get a hold of you if they want to learn more about the power of kindness?
Emily Montgomery [00:32:46]:
Well, I'm always available @TeamHiLU on all socials. And I would say, as a parting message, is just to start where you're at. You can start today. You can start in a meeting. You can start the next person you see at your Starbucks drive thru, or you can start on your commute, reframing the way that you are speaking to yourself and hopefully have more active, kind words for others as a result. Let's start today.
Laura Jane [00:33:27]:
Yeah. I love that. Pick one word. Pick the Monday challenges. Go out. Pick any of them. Go find one Monday challenge and do that this week. And there's a challenge every Monday, so find an episode.
Laura Jane [00:33:42]:
There's one out there that's going to be fun. Thank you, Emily, for coming.
Emily Montgomery [00:33:47]:
Thank you for having me. It's been. It's been a pleasure, friend.
Laura Jane [00:33:50]:
Emily and I are not medical or mental licensed professionals. They're here for entertainment. People have found some things that work for us. I want to share them with you to help maybe soften or lighten the load along your path to your kindness superpower. So stay tuned for the next episode.
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