September 4, 2024
Is the advice to "put on your own oxygen mask before helping others" really the best approach? Discover why focusing on others might be the key to true happiness.
We’ve all heard it: “You have to put on your own oxygen mask before helping others.” It’s a common mantra in self-care. But what if this advice is actually steering us in the wrong direction?
Here’s a bold take: This phrase, outside of its original context in aircraft emergencies, might be misleading when applied to everyday life. It’s time to rethink it.
Before you dismiss this idea as promoting self-neglect or codependence, let’s consider an alternative perspective.
Throughout history, wise teachers have emphasized the importance of other-centered kindness. Modern research backs this up, with long-term studies showing that the happiest people are often those who care for others. It turns out, true happiness isn’t found in self-centeredness or always putting yourself first.
The Dalai Lama wisely said, “If you want to be selfish, do it in an intelligent way. The foolish way is seeking happiness for yourself alone. The intelligent way is working for the welfare of others.” We’re talking about biohacking our way to mental well-being: by focusing on ourselves, we increase misery; by focusing on others, we make both them and ourselves happier.
We’ve all experienced moments where shifting our focus to someone else’s needs improves our own mood. When we’re down, reaching out to help someone else can lift our spirits and reduce the intensity of our own struggles.
So, why does the oxygen mask metaphor hold such power? Even popular wellness brands, like Calm, suggest that “Often when we say yes to others, we’re saying no to ourselves.” Why is there such a disconnect between ancient wisdom, happiness studies, and these catchy phrases? Why do we cling to the idea that our happiness and others’ happiness are mutually exclusive?
One theory involves the default mode network (DMN) in our brains—a system that becomes active when we’re not focused on the external world. The DMN is inherently self-centered, and stronger activity in this network is linked to depression and loneliness. When we’re caught in negative thought loops, it’s easy to focus on our own suffering.
In this context, it’s no wonder that we create phrases to justify this inward focus. But our higher selves - the ones concerned with more than simply surviving, intuitively know what the ancient wisdom teachers preached all along: caring for the other is the same thing as caring for the self.
Suffering is undeniably a part of the human experience, from the horrors of war to everyday struggles. But that doesn’t mean we should let our survival instinct of “me first” go unchecked.
Science shows that our minds often mislead us into feeling isolated. We are wired for survival, but it’s more challenging to see beyond our own concerns. Yet, the reality is that we are deeply connected to each other, and kindness is a natural part of who we are. Take a moment today to notice the good around you—people doing kind, decent things. It’s happening all the time, even if we don’t always see it.
It’s time to let go of the old “put yourself first” mindset. Doing so will help you see that there is sweet, sweet oxygen everywhere you go.
Challenge the idea that self-care requires putting yourself first. Start exploring a different approach to happiness today.